About
Why am I calling myself a “twisted” comedian? Well, I’m glad you asked me that! According to www.Merriam-Webster.com, if you are twisted, your body is wrenched by the exertion of forces that twist the top portion in one direction, while twisting the bottom portion in the opposite direction. Since my parents trained me to look for the object lesson in all of life’s circumstances, I instantly saw a spiritual implication here (SMILE!). Before I explain further, let me give you a little background info…
I was born in Bradenton, Florida into the home of two loving, Christian parents. My father, Rev. Charles Biggs has spent his life as a Minister in churches, encouraging people to use their God-given gifts to bring God glory and praise. My mother, Patricia Rose Biggs spent her life serving alongside my father, using her many gifts to further the Kingdom. I have been faithfully attending church since I was in my mother’s womb, and was always involved in several church activities at the same time, which I found to be spiritually rewarding. I was honored to have the privilege of serving God through his bride, the church! However, as the years went by, I began to take pride in all the leadership positions I held. This led to my idolizing the authority and respect that automatically went with the titles I was given. Having self-appointed myself judge and jury, I looked down on people who I didn’t believe to be as righteous or holy as I was. I was quick to look at someone’s sin and say to myself, “I’m so glad I’m not like THEM!”
I was doing my best to live a moral life of legal obedience to God’s commands in the Bible and, for the most part, I was succeeding. Looking back, it was as if I had taken white-out to Luke 6:41, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” My “clean living” lifestyle made me oblivious to the fact that I had sin in my life, just like everyone else!! What I should have been doing was letting my obedience to God flow from a deep, passionate love for Him! However, instead of going to church to worship, as I had been raised to do, I was going to church to work…
Then, tragedy struck. After a brief struggle with Single Episode Major Depression, my husband of nearly 24 years died by suicide on May 18, 2007. His death left behind a multitude of questions we can never answer. To say I had a ”crisis of believe“ is an understatement!! As I grieved the loss of my “better half,” my emotions were all over the map – shock, sadness, anger, disbelief, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness – you name it, I felt it! I cried out to God many times, saying, “If you really love me, then why did you allow my husband to die? Why didn’t you stop him? You could have, you know! This is so horrible – I can’t breathe!! How will I ever survive? You said in Romans 8:28, ‘And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.’ I do love you, God, so how can this possibly be for my good? Are you kidding me? My family is broken! How is any of this GOOD?!?”
Thankfully, God is gracious, merciful, and patient – beyond my human, pea-brain ability to comprehend! As my loving Father, he sits back and allows me, His child, to throw a big, fat temper tantrum. Then, when I’ve cried all I can cry and I’m broken on the floor, He picks me up in His arms, holds me tight, reminds me over and over again of how much He loves me, and begins to put the pieces of my shattered life back together again. He does that because He loves me more than His own life, and I know that because of the Gospel. The Gospel is the “good news” of Jesus Christ, found in the Word of God – from Genesis to Revelation. Through Jesus, we can have a new life here on earth and eternal life with him in Heaven when we die! (To learn more, click here: GOSPEL)
I can say that now, but when Stan died and I plunged into the seemingly abyss of pain and despair, praising God was not my heart’s cry – far from it. I just wanted God to take me home. When I woke up every morning, I was disappointed and sad to realize that I woke up. I went through the motions of “life” all day long and dropped back into bed at night, praying for God to either take the pain away or not make me wake up and do it all again. I put on my happy face and tried to convince everyone that I was doing great, but my emotions were so close to the surface, it was often difficult to disguise my heartache.
In 2010, I was sitting in church listening to my pastor preach on the book of Ephesians. He talked about Paul, the author of the book, and all the torment he went through as he fought and struggled to serve Christ. It occurred to me that I had been feeling sorry for myself and focusing on my pain, rather than remembering the pain Jesus suffered as he took the punishment for my sins!! At that moment, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my sins of pride and selfishness. I was refusing to serve God and praise him for all he was doing in my life. Instead, I had chosen to wallow in self-pity and stay angry at God for all the pain that I felt he had caused!
I went home and decided to study Paul’s book of Romans in more depth, in an attempt to learn how this man could suffer so much and still give his all to God! When I got to Romans 8, I was tempted to just skim through that chapter because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear the “all things for good” portion of verse 28. I’m ashamed to admit that I was still bitter at God for putting that verse in the Bible, because I was still struggling to figure out how what I had been through was of any “good” at all. However, as I began to read chapter 8, I paused at verses 26-27, “Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” When I read those verses, it was as if a lightning bolt hit me!! BEFORE God said, in verse 28, “…all things work together for good,” He said that there will be times in my life when I will be “weak” and won’t know what to pray, but the Holy Spirit will intercede for me to the Father with “groanings too deep for words.” WOW! I was so encouraged by those verses because I realized that not only does God understand what it means to grieve, but he’s given me the Holy Spirit to speak for me when I am at a loss for the words or the breath it takes to voice them!!
And, even before those verses, in Romans 8:18 Paul said, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” WOW, again! I was blown away at how God had set up that chapter – talking about suffering before he ever said that it would be “for good.” As I read and re-read that chapter, I began to get excited again about God’s perfect plan for my life! It was then that I decided to stop making life all about me and do my best, with the Holy Spirit’s leading, to make life all about Jesus! I decided to start over, with a newly clean heart, pure motives, and a spirit of humbleness that I pray will permeate my ministry. I still struggle with my emotions running from one extreme to another, at times, and I fight against the feelings of being abandoned and alone. However, I am secure in the fact that Jesus is walking with me every step of the way and that after every valley, a mountain top is coming!!!
Since Stan’s death, God has been gracious to our family – giving us the strength to survive the devastation of losing a wonderful, Godly husband and father. In an effort to stop this tragedy from happening to other families, my children and I wrote a book called, Suicide – When Love’s Not Enough. In it, you will read about: our story, the differences between “depression” and “Clinical Depression,” warning signs that someone is considering suicide, treatment options for someone who is suicidal, ways you can help someone who is suffering the loss of someone they love to suicide, and more. Click on the “book” tab above to see the chapter titles, read a portion of chapter one, and find out how to purchase a copy.
My prayer is that no matter what heartaches you have experienced in your life, you will know how much you are loved by the God who created you! I am able to get out of bed every day and continue living, loving and laughing only because God loved me so much that He sent his Son, Jesus Christ to die in my place, so my sins could be forgiven! This gives me the hope I need to continue living on this earth until God calls me home!!
Now, this where the “twisted” thing comes in. I know this earth is my home, for now, but heaven is where I’ll spend eternity. However, I confess that my sinful flesh pulls me in one direction, towards the things of this world (money, power, fame, applause, approval, fun, the desire to be entertained, etc.) while the Holy Spirit and my new heart pulls me in the opposite direction, towards God. I feel twisted and conflicted much of the time, battling between what my flesh desires and what my soul requires. I also find that most, if not all, the sin in my life grows from a false sense of pride. This, I confess daily, sometimes hourly – okay, minute by minute…Rev. John Piper said, ”God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.“ I pray every day for me to be TRULY, FULLY satisfied in Christ, and for God to either use me for his glory or take me home!
So, whenever I am tempted to have a pity party because something bad has happened in my life, and think that I don’t deserve it, I remind myself of two things. First, I deserve death and hell! Because of my sin, I am not entitled to ANYTHING good on this earth or in the here-after. Second, because God loves me, he didn’t leave me to die in my sins! He designed a plan so that I could be totally forgiven and set free from the burden of my sins. That plan was for Jesus to die in my place. Without his loving sacrifice, I would have spent eternity where I belonged – tortured and tormented in hell because of my sin and my rebellion against God!
My prayer is that no matter how shattered your life is, you will know how much you are loved by the God who created you! I pray that you will fall on your knees and pray for Jesus to save you! I am able to continue living, loving, and laughing ONLY because I am saved, through Jesus Christ, who gave me the HOPE of eternal life in heaven, with Him! So, now when I attend church, I go there with a humble and grateful heart to praise my creator God, to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, to celebrate the Holy Spirit’s working in my life, and to love and be loved on by my brothers and sisters in Christ. In other words, I go to worship…now that’s AMAZING GRACE!!!